


Hiding in Plain Sight

by casey_sms (shinygreenwords), shinygreenwords



Category: American Actor RPF, British Actor RPF, The Social Network RPF
Genre: Asexuality, Community: tsn_kinkmeme, Cutting, Dark, F/M, M/M, Other, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-05
Updated: 2011-02-05
Packaged: 2017-10-15 10:09:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/159755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinygreenwords/pseuds/casey_sms, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinygreenwords/pseuds/shinygreenwords
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Jesse cuts where it’s not visible because he’s not doing it for attention (god no, he hates the idea, he has enough of it already) and he doesn’t want people to know.</i></p><p>Tiny!fill for <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/tsn_kinkmeme/1522.html?thread=1992946#t1992946">this prompt</a> at <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/tsn_kinkmeme/profile"><img/></a><a href="http://community.livejournal.com/tsn_kinkmeme/"><b>tsn_kinkmeme</b></a> requesting: Andrew/Jesse Self-Harm fic.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Hiding in Plain Sight

**Author's Note:**

> So I have started on the RPF too. I used to cut probably isn't going to cut it as an excuse eh? Moving on, I have at least one more longer Andrew/Jesse including self-harm. I have too many wips at the moment. Kind of getting stressed out. It's totally my fault and RL blows. Am sick today so it's not really helping. Hope my writing isn't getting shittier. Please let me know if it is, feedback is always appreciated.
> 
> Note: Jesse is kind of asexual/confused.

Jesse cuts where it’s not visible because he’s not doing it for attention (god no, he hates the idea, he has enough of it already) and he doesn’t want people to know. He already feels like people know too much about him. They’ve seen too much of him. His therapist made him watch his own movies and he cringed at his pasty skin. He bets people saw it on the big screen and laughed.

It is then he decides he’s never going to do a sex scene again. Jesse sits in the tiny bathtub (because he doesn’t want to make a mess) and takes several deep breaths. He attacks his thighs with a knife. The razor seemed like an emo thing to do and people laugh at emos. He doesn’t want to be laughed at. It’s harder than he expects. He has to psyche himself up to break the skin. He closes his eyes and presses down trying not to think about how he’s exposing himself to all kinds of bacteria.

Once he gets started, it gets easier. He makes angry patterns that start to look like square root signs and code. He writes a huge “FUCK YOU” on the top of his right thigh and “FAGGOT” on his left. It’s harder to write upside down than one would think. Curves are hard to get right but he carves each letter meticulously. He has to use a towel to wipe his leg several times because the blood obscures the lettering. It never stops hurting but he finds that if he concentrates hard enough, it doesn’t distract him.

When he’s done, he draws up a bath. The water turns pinkish. It stings. He gets out when he starts to prune. He worries that he’ll accidentally lose too much blood and then he’ll have to explain to his mother how he wasn’t trying to kill himself. He cleans the cuts and puts antiseptic on them. It doesn’t look that bad.

He does it again and again to make sure that it’ll scar. It’s addictive. He doesn’t like the pain. He likes the way it looks. He makes a mess. It’s how he feels. His therapist always told him to express himself. He doubts that he meant it in this way. His therapist would probably get all concerned and say he’s being self-destructive. Jesse disagrees. He’s creating something. Using his body. It’s like acting. He’s always acting now.

They rarely have sex. Anna knows he doesn’t like to be touched. It’s one of his ‘quirks’. But if they do, they have sex in the dark. They’ve always had sex in the dark. He’s grateful. He never undresses. If she knows, she never says anything.

One day she says, “I can’t do this anymore.”

Jesse doesn’t apologize, he doesn’t fight for her. She’s already made up her mind. He lies there for a while and then he takes out the knife he uses and starts drawing on himself so he’s dripping blood on their sheets. He traces over the “A” in “FAGGOT.”

**Author's Note:**

> The part where his therapist made him watch his own movies is [unfortunately true.](http://www.virginmedia.com/movies/news/story/2011/02/04/jesse-eisenberg-forced-to/) The article makes me feel really sad for him. I think it's really great that he's open about his issues and needing help. People shouldn't feel ashamed about it and I admire him for speaking out about this.
> 
> Companion piece: [He Could Be You](http://archiveofourown.org/works/161138)


End file.
